And So Begins The Countdown To The End of the World

Well, 2011 is officially over and we can all move on from talking about which tv shows were the best and thinking about what we did or did not accomplish in the past 365 days, to discussing what new mid-season shows look absolutely terrible (all of them) and thinking about what we’d like to do in the year to come. It’s that wonderful time of year where life feels full of possibility and motivation: I’m finally going to get into shape! This year, I’ll finish that novel I started in college! I’ll mop the floors once a week! I’ll stop buying clothes and start saving for that vacation I deserve! I’ll be better about keeping touch with old friends!

Ah, resolutions. I don’t really like to make New Year’s resolutions. If I were going to, my main resolution would be “stop being so damn hard on yourself all the time,” but my failure to keep my other, smaller resolutions would surely put a firm stake in the heart of this core one. I am the worst and I refuse to let myself think otherwise, which clearly only confirms my “The Worst” status. So instead of resolving to do things and then beating myself up for being lazy and pathetic when I ultimately fail to maintain my resolve, I have decided to simply make a list of things that I wish will happen in 2012. If these things occur, wonderful! If they do not, oh well, it’s not like I decided that my value as a human this year relies on my ability to stop letting my massage sheets pile up for days until I have to wash them all at once and worry they won’t be dry in time for my next appointment. They’re just sheets! I have other great qualities!

Anyway, as we march slowly toward the inevitable end of the world as possibly predicted by the Mayans or obnoxiously misinterpreted by fear mongers and insane people (the Mayans were clearly terrible at predicting their own demise, why should we expect them to be able to predict ours?), here is a list of things that I hope will happen in 2012. I will work hard to see that at least some of these wishes come true, but if they don’t, fuck it, there’s always next year. Or is there?

I Hope That In 2012…

I will get into grad school. This is of course entirely reliant on what seems increasingly like a very slim possibility that the Towson Admissions Office will get its head out of its ass and ensure that all of my submitted application materials actually make it into my file by the January 15th deadline. You are on my list, Towson, and the year literally just started.

I will keep up my awesome pace of reading a shit ton of books. It is so easy to slip out of book reading and back into the habit of watching TV while I sit around in my pajamas and dream up ways to exact revenge on the poor souls who work in the Towson Admissions Office. But I find that I am happier, and less homicidal, when I’m doing a lot of reading and pleasantly working my way through book after book. Perhaps I should add to this that I hope to actually start writing about the randomly selected library books like I said I was going to. I have been reading them, I just keep putting off writing about them here.

I’ll be a bit more consistent with my blogging. Let’s just be straight up honest that keeping up with blogging can be a bit of a bitch, but I do enjoy doing it and it is a good outlet for my creativity and daily witticisms that would otherwise go unnoticed. Whatever, you know I’m funny. It would be nice if I could avoid any unintended month-long breaks in blogging, though. Not that it really matters, I suppose, since my readership consists basically of my mom trying to kill time during the workday. Love you Mom!

Certain of my friends will start reading my blog. I have a few friends that I consider very close, perhaps even, if pushed to apply this label, best, but they do not read my blog, nor anything else that I write on the internet that is not posted as a Facebook status. It’s not really a big deal because I’m not trying to be some widely read internet sensation, but given that I really don’t like talking on the phone very much and am much better about expressing my feelings and life happenings in writing than I am through speech, I’ve recently become very aware that I know a lot more about these friends than they know about me. I’m oddly much more willing to share my true feelings and the details of my life on a very public space on the internet than I am during an hour-plus phone conversation with people that I’ve known for years. I spend a lot more time listening to other people than I do talking about myself. I certainly deserve at least half of the blame for this imbalance, but they definitely deserve the other half. They know I have a blog, they know I prefer to write about my life than talk about it, but they’ve never made the time to read it. This isn’t likely to change at all in 2012–I can pretty much guarantee that it will not–but I hope that it does, so it goes on this list.

Dan and I will make our way to Germany. 2011 saw us finally visiting my big bro in Colombia, and hopefully this year will see us heading out to Germany to spend some time with my little sister. My siblings lead such cool international lives and I get excited about stuff like finally painting my kitchen. Different strokes, I suppose.

My massage business will continue to grow. I had a huge increase in clientele from year one to year two–lots of new people, lots of steady regulars who are helping to pay my mortgage. I’d love to see an even bigger jump in year three and am planning to really dedicate myself to gaining and retaining clients. If I can boost my weekly numbers just a bit, I might be able to afford to leave my dreaded spa job. Fingers crossed. Also, maybe this year I’ll figure out a way to stay on top of my expense and earnings reports so that I’m not stuck racing to do a year’s worth of administrative crap right before tax filing. We’ll see. I’m not Superman.

I refocus on getting strong. At one point in the past, I decided to set my fitness goal as “becoming strong.” This was basically a catchall for overall fitness–muscle strength, cardio strength, improved strength in my weak knee joints. It worked for me. It pushed me to run a half marathon and focus on core exercises to help ease the back pain that comes as a result of giving massages all the time. But somewhere in the last year, I shifted that goal to “get thin,” which is an awful fitness goal because when your only aim is to be thin, there is no thin enough. What does get thin even mean? Lose five pounds? Lose ten? Not lose any actual weight at all, but just hope and pray that any curves I have naturally will just vanish one day and I’ll look straight as an arrow? Thin means nothing and it’s a bullshit goal that leads you nowhere except into a horrible pit of self hatred and frustration. Getting strong is something. You can feel that. You can see that. You get more energy and your body changes in positive ways that are measurable by how you feel and not just by how you look. I hope I can get back to wanting to be strong and brush off this whole thin nonsense once and for all.

I will spend more time on hobbies and activities that I enjoy. I want to cook at least one new recipe each month and try out bars and restaurants that we haven’t been to before. I want to keep working on improving my photography skills and do crafty projects around the house and sit down to write short stories when I feel moved to do so. There’s always going to be stuff that I have to get done, that’s just a fact of life, but it would be nice to allow myself some more regular moments of doing things that I simply enjoy.

I will not wallow in the depths of my own despair. When you suffer from depression, a certain amount of wallowing is to be expected. But this year, I hope to avoid the woe is me, I’m so unappreciated and nobody loves me type of despair that has unfortunately plagued me in the past. Because let’s get real, Self. You have a kick ass husband that absolutely adores you and a dog that is up your face the instant you start crying being all, “what’s going on here? Are you sad? Why are you sad? How can I help? Maybe my enormous, adorable head in your lap will do the trick.” My dog rocks.

I will welcome the end of the world instead of fighting in vain to prevent it. If there is one thing I have learned in what feels like my increasingly long, but is arguably still very short life, it is that sometimes shit happens and there’s nothing you can do stop it or change it. If the world really does end this year–it won’t–then I want to be able to look out at the ball of fire streaming toward me and know that I spent my last remaining months doing things that I enjoy and at least attempting to just have fun and not take stuff so seriously. I will look back on my life and feel that the good mostly outweighed the bad, and I will smile as I’m engulfed by flames and think to myself, “at least I never have to hear that stupid Pitbull and Ne-Yo song ever again.”

Happy 2012 everyone! May your year be full of joy and love, and short on eternal hellfire.


2 thoughts on “And So Begins The Countdown To The End of the World

  1. I love this list! It’s scary how similar my list of stuff would be to yours…the only main difference is that I’m not trying to get into grad school, but instead having a baby, lol. Are they interchangable? πŸ˜› Anyway, we’re hoping to go to Germany too, to visit Bana once they move there in March! If you guys go first (I’m pretty sure you will actually…since who knows WHAT will happen once Maki actually comes – life as we know it is totally ending and a new one is literally starting, crazy! all bets are off at our household, haha, but anyway…) you have to let us know where to go and what to see and most importantly what to eat and what beer to drink. πŸ˜‰

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