Other Reflections On Childhood

It wasn’t all cow slaughter and dietary alterations.

-When I was like, 3 or 4 and my family lived in Illinois, I had an enormous bedroom. Attached to my bedroom was another room that was probably supposed to be a walk-in closet, but I used it as a playroom where I’d hang out and play with My Little Ponies and dolls and I’m sure other stuff that I can’t really remember. My little sister was still pretty much a baby at that time, so I didn’t really even have to share my stuff with her yet. It was probably the greatest time in my life.

-Was my bedroom really all that big or was I just very small?

-Tommy, from Rugrats was kind of a little shit. I get irrationally angry when I think back to all the time he spent bossing all the other babies around.

-I can’t believe Jncos happened.

-Noel was way better than Ben pretty much times a million. Ben can take his brooding and his stupid whispery voice and shitty teeth and get the hell out of here. Sorry I’m not sorry that he wasn’t nearly hot enough to warrant Felicity following him all the way to New York.

-Related: brooding is the most overrated type of sexiness.

-I miss Foxtail. I would play foxtail right now if you had a foxtail. I would drop everything and play some fucking foxtail right this very minute.

-The Lion King video game. I would watch my brother play that for HOURS.

-I would watch the Babysitters Club movie over and over again despite the fact that I hated every single character. That was one really unlikeable group of girls.

-Before there was Sex and the City and deciding who in your group of four girlfriends was the Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha of the group, there was Now and Then and deciding who was the Roberta, Teeny, Chrissy and Samantha of the group. No one wanted to be the Chrissy. I always felt bad for whoever got labeled as Chrissy. I was always Roberta, because of my sportiness. It was awesome when Roberta was young and played by Christina Ricci, but not so awesome when she was all growed up and turned into Rosie O’Donnell. When you are 10 years old and imaging what you’ll be like when you grow up, no one says, “I hope I’m Rosie O’Donnell.”

-My siblings and I used to play this game where we’d set up a pillow fort in the living room and pretend it was the Alamo and that we had to protect it, even if it cost us our lives! We had an actual rifle or something that we’d use during the game. It didn’t have bullets or anything, and I’m not sure it was serviceable as a real gun even if you wanted it to be, but it was a straight up legit rifle (or something that looks like a rifle, I don’t know anything about guns) and it was one of our favorite toys.

-We have a home movie that I’m guessing we shot so that my grandparents could see our first house in Texas. In it my brother and I have both taken all of the books that we each owned and laid them out on our beds in neat rows so that you can see how many we had and read all of the titles. I’d like to say that that’s the dorkiest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m sure I’ve done something more pathetically toolish since then.

-If you had a giant trampoline, I was your friend. You could be the worst fucking person in the world. Didn’t matter. Giant trampoline equaled instant friendship.

-Less so for swimming pools because we lived right on a river, but if you had a swimming pool I’m sure I put up with your irritating ass far longer than I would have otherwise.

-In fifth grade we had a district wide D.A.R.E. essay competition where the top three essays would all win prizes. I remember thinking as I was writing my essay during the designated D.A.R.E. essay writing period, “man, these D.A.R.E. people are going to eat this stuff up. I’m totally going to win first prize.” And I did. BOOM! I won a combined TV-VCR unit and it was freaking awesome. Take that, every other fifth grader in the Seguin, Texas school district!

-I had that TV through at least senior year of high school. I’m pretty sure I took it with me to college too.

-I miss wearing UMBRO shorts and long, white socks pulled up to mid-shin, paired with those awesome soccer sandals that massaged your feet while you walked. I feel kind of bad for kids today because the stuff they have to wear to be attractive and popular looks so uncomfortable and full of effort. We got to wear Jncos and fucking athletic socks pulled nearly up to our knees and we all still thought everyone else looked super hot and worth kissing in the back of the school bus.

-When I was little, I had this baby doll that I named Katie. Katie was one of those dolls with the soft body, but hard plastic head and appendages. I took her everywhere and completely wore her out to the point where her head kept falling off and I’d have to bring her in two pieces to my mom or dad so that they could shove her head back on. Last year, I had a scary week where I thought I might be pregnant and I kept having this recurring dream where I was carrying Katie around with me everywhere I went, only now I was grown up and Katie was an actual baby whose head kept falling off in the middle of the grocery store or while I was out running around the park. I would take the baby, head in one hand, real live baby body in the other, back to my parents’s house and make my mom show me over and over again how to push and twist the head back onto the baby’s body. “You know,” my mom said to me, “if you’re going to be a mother, you have to learn how to put your own baby’s head back on.”

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