Things I’ve Learned In The Process Of Becoming Adultish

  • Boxed brownies are the best brownies. Sometimes people are like, “oh my gosh, I make the best brownies,” and I’m all, “yeah, so I do. They come from powder and I just add a couple of eggs and some canola oil.”
  • It’s important to let things go. Regret should be a short-lived emotion. Maybe 5, 10, however many years ago you did some stuff that you’re not too proud of. Make your apologies, come to terms with who you were and then let those memories fade away. You’re going to do plenty of bad, stupid shit in the future that you can beat yourself up about. There’s no use in dragging the past along with you.
  • That said, some grudges are worth holding on to. There’s a person from my middle school years that to this day I hate with every single fiber of my being. My hatred for her knows nothing about the constraints of time, or place, or maturation. That continued hatred, though perhaps childish, has kept me from investing in relationships that would have led to nothing but frustration and strife. It has taught me how to stand up for myself and my interests, how to put my life and my emotions first. It forever reminds me that some people are just crappy people who simply are not worth my time and energy.
  • And speaking of friendship and letting go, you don’t have to be friends with people forever. It’s okay to move on, to stop calling and stop reaching out. Just because you were seriously close friends with someone growing up, or because you were practically joined at the hip during college, doesn’t mean that you’re going to be friends forever and that’s okay. Sometimes friendships disappear gradually. Sometimes you have to push them away for reasons of your own. It can be sad, but it’s natural. If a friendship requires significantly more effort than the level of enjoyment it provides, stop forcing it to last. You’ll meet other friends. You’ll find new people who are better for this moment in your life. If those old friendships are supposed to be a part of your life, you’ll return to them someday. Friendships come and go throughout your life and you can’t expect to get everything from just one person. There is no best. There is no need to rank your relationships.
  • Everyone cares way more about their own lives than they could ever possibly care about yours. People are going to get big, important jobs that force them to work long hours. People’s relationships are going to get more serious, maybe they’ll even get married and they’ll have less interest in going out each week and drinking away their misery. Some people are going to have babies and you’ll only see them from time to time. That’s life. You have to have enough stuff that you care about and are interested in that you don’t have to spend your time resenting others for caring more about their own stuff than about you. They aren’t here to care about you. They’re here to live their own lives.
  • It is pretty much inevitable that if you go to a grocery store where the cashier bags your items for you, the last two items left for bagging will be something like a loaf of soft bread and a giant butternut squash. Bag your own groceries whenever possible.
  • If something genuinely upsets or offends someone then it’s not something you should joke about. Not every opportunity for a joke needs to be taken and no joke is worth causing someone else pain. If you didn’t know that what you said would be upsetting, just apologize and try to be more considerate in the future. Don’t hide behind the “you’re too sensitive” defense.
  • Like the things you like and don’t be ashamed of it. I’m so tired of people apologizing for or being embarrassed by the things that they enjoy. We don’t all have to have the same tastes and it doesn’t matter if I think something you love is basically the stupidest fucking thing in the world. What the hell do I know? I like plenty of stupid stuff. Unless what you love is like killing small animals, or rubbing up against women on public transit. I have the right to call you out on that kind of stuff. That’s not guilty pleasure stuff, that’s guilty in a court of law stuff.
  • If you get sick every time you drink tequila, you should just stop drinking tequila.
  • Paul Simon’s, Graceland, is the greatest feel good music in the history of everything. Seriously, I dare you to put that album on and feel bad about life. Even if you don’t like Paul Simon, you’ll still end up like, you know what, yeah, I will call you Al.
  • Nobody can make you do things you don’t want to do. I mean, obviously they can, but they shouldn’t, so don’t let them. Peer pressure is for children and chumps. It’s one thing to be mostly indifferent and then end up getting sucked into something that turns out to be a no fun waste of time, or worse, a flat out terrible situation, but if you know it’s something you want no part of then don’t let people convince you otherwise. It’s okay to say no. My point is, I don’t care how exhilarating and once-in-a-lifetime it might be, I’m not throwing myself out of an airplane unless that bitch is going down anyway and jumping is my only chance of survival.
  • DO NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING COOL. Adults who actually believe they are cool are really just douchebags.
  • Throw away your bathroom scale, or at least avoid stepping on it whenever possible. That thing is not your friend.
  • All that math you struggled to understand? You really rarely use it. Why do teachers keep telling this lie? That doesn’t mean it’s not worth learning. Just don’t stress yourself out by the claim that “you’ll need this someday.” You won’t.
  • Just be yourself. Some people are not going to like you, but whatever, those people are assholes anyway. Sometimes you’re going to embarrass yourself, but you’ll get over it and people will move on. Sometimes you’re going to walk into a room and everyone will get quiet and you’ll have flashbacks to high school and think people were talking about you, but odds are they were talking about themselves and would just prefer that you not hear. People really spend most of their time talking about themselves.
  • If you want to watch Dirty Dancing three times in the same week, go right ahead. It’s your life and no one can stop you.
  • There is almost nothing in this world that doesn’t taste better with sea salt on it.
  • When someone says, “it’s going to be awesome,” you can be pretty sure that it is not going to be awesome. You should probably just stay home and sit on the couch in your pjs, watch some TV, drink wine and eat an entire batch of boxed brownies. It doesn’t get any better than that. Trust me.

2 thoughts on “Things I’ve Learned In The Process Of Becoming Adultish

  1. Great lessons. But honestly, if you [Claire] hate something, really hate it, then I have trouble being confident about liking it. Example: I had a boyfriend in high school that I thought was incredibly interesting and cool until I asked your opinion of him. I then dated him for a couple more months even though he was a total douche.
    Maybe that’s just part of being a little sister though. Also, he was kind of a douche.
    Thanks for the Graceland reminder. It certainly brightened up my day!

    • That guy was a douche. But to be fair to you, it’s almost impossible to spot douchiness while you’re still in high school. Everybody’s trying so hard to appear a certain way that you can’t really tell what anyone is honestly like. Who knows, maybe that guy is a lovely, awesome person today. But I doubt it.

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